If anyone here truly knows me, they know that I tend to possibly, maybe, sometimes, actually on the regular overthink everything. I mean everything; from my hair to my job, my friendships, my leaders, my school, my pets, meetings, outfit choices. Name it and I guarantee you I have already thought about it about seventy-three times and probably sadly lost sleep over it. I would label this as my sometimes struggle with generalized anxiety.
I know that this news of my sometimes mental state might come as a surprise to you, but yes, I am human. Though I know I try my best to avoid vulnerability outside of my circle, I think it is most beneficial to talk about these messy topics; especially considering there’s a lot of young people especially women going into ministry with the same struggles that I’m dragging along to. (a thorn in my flesh kind issue)
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way I want to tell anyone out there reading this;
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
For years, I had struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, constantly allowing myself to become so overwhelmed to the point where the room was spinning, I couldn’t catch my breath and I would just cry. Overcome with unjustified emotions, negative thoughts spiraling out of control inside of my brain. Any little thing would trigger this, the feeling that I was constantly losing control consumed my mind, I was losing grip of reality and of myself. I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, someone was always talking about me, I was a disappointment to my leaders, I let my family down, I wasn’t a good friend, life was a competition, I was never going to make it, etc. All of those LIES day in and day out woke me up in the middle of the night, stopped me from performing well in school, and hurt some pretty amazing friendships. I became paranoid and jealous, I pushed people away, people that cared and loved me, I became like a robot and lost most of my emotions because the fear of a panic attack or anxiety attack ruining the moment always crept up in my head and held me back from having fun and experiencing my beautiful life.
I was choosing to miss out on these things because I was too anxious about the possibility of becoming anxious while I was out. That’s INSANE, it was unreasonable.
As you read this you might uncover some type of truth about yourself and that might make you uncomfortable, even if you’re offended and dismiss everything that I have to say, remember you are not alone. There is a God who will walk beside you, talk with you, guide you, hold you, embrace you, wipe away every tear that is shed and is the God who can and will banish every single anxious thought that pops into your head.
Here it is:
YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIETY. YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIOUS THOUGHTS. YOU CAN OVERCOME THIS. GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOUR ANXIETY. YOUR ANXIETY IS NOT YOUR TRUTH. YOUR ANXIETY DOES NOT HAVE THE FINAL SAY UNLESS YOU ALLOW IT.
Imagine a God so fixated on your well being that every ounce of anxiety is seen as minuscule, and then He lifts your chin up and says that YOU were made for such a time as this. He says that this too shall pass, and regardless of the storm that encapsulates your mind that you are still worthy, loved, and valuable.
I recall one time when I was interning at a church, I had an assignment to make some very specific copies, though seemingly simple my anxiety thought otherwise. The first couple of copies went smoothly and then what everyone who has worked in an office dreads… the printer got jammed. I know, I know what some of you may be thinking, “it’s a printer, relax”, “it’s not that big of a deal”, to me this was equivalent to the end of the world. As I calmly began to fix the printer and after many failed attempts my anxiety hit me with an uppercut in the final round and the bell was rung and I was down for the count. I felt the panic inch it’s way up my neck, constrict my breathing, blur my vision; the only thing I could do was get on the floor, tuck in my knees, close my eyes and take some deep slow breaths. It took me almost ten minutes to get back to a place where I could stand without vertigo and I could speak to express what happened. My supervisor came in and I was beyond embarrassed, the copies weren’t finished, the printer was still jammed, and I had mascara running down my face; I felt weak, less than.
After the workday was over I went home and cried. I laid down in my bed of defeat and just spewed all of my emotions out, I couldn’t do this anymore, I can not keep living like this.
So I decided to try, not to get overly spiritual, not read every anxiety devotional, not to throw myself at that alar like I had done so many times before and came back with the same results, not create unrealistic expectations, I just tried. I tried to recognize my emotions, I tried to get some counseling to find the issues and pull them at the root, I tried to acknowledge my emotions as real but not the truth. I tried to breathe, I tried to allow myself to cry more, I tried to read my bible for me, I tried to spend genuine time in worship, I tried to go out with my friends even when I didn’t want to. I tried, I tried every day, I’m still trying. I’m trying to show up for myself and no one else.
And you know what? My anxiety isn’t as severe anymore. Don’t be mistaken it is real, it is still an everyday thing, I am still believing in my healing, but in the meantime, I’m gonna try. And I want you to try, you deserve to try and to keep trying!
I try because, at the end of my anxiety, I know that I serve a God full of joy, peace, and restoration and I will lean into those promises for the rest of my life! No I don’t always go out with my friends, I don’t always show up, but I do try.
Let’s be a community that builds each other up! What are some ways you have been able to “try” or cope with your anxiety?
2 Corinthians 12:6-10
“6 though if I should wish to boast, I would not be a fool, for I would be speaking the truth; but I refrain from it, so that no one may think more of me than he sees in me or hears from me. 7 So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations,[a] a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
With love,
Katelyn and the things she learned.
Katelyn and the Things She Learned 